Death

​​

For Nida;

7/1/2016

​We all are beings made up of our experiences with each other

Bit by bit

The joyful moments we share! 

​The sorrow, regret, dejection and care  

​

​The laughter we crack together  

And the grief, we experience shoulder to shoulder  

But the thought that one could not be part of others' future; 

​I​s the thought which prevails forever!

Your death has added a scar to our beings 

Which is bleeding bit by bit

Superiority Syndrome

In feminist and communist discourses one of the narrative is that, class differences are the main differences and there is little or no need to have feminist struggle, once the class question is resolved.  It is argued that; most of the times there is a struggle between rich and poor rather than a man and a woman. A rich man exploits a rich women, a poor women and also a poor man and similarly a rich woman can exploit a poor man and a poor woman. So it is between a rich and a poor and not between a man and a woman. But there is no universal formula that fits all situations. Because sometime class differences overshadows gender differences and vice versa. I believe that the debate on class differences cater only partially to patriarchy. 

Khwendo Kor's (KK) chief executive Maryam Bibi is a very down to earth and a very humble women. She herself is a very religious but liberal person. She respects, listens and interestingly also understands and accepts others point of views, even if they contradicts with her beliefs and ideologies. This attitude is very rare and needed in our society. Among many, one of her humble gesture is that she doesn't like her staff members and juniors to stand up in her respect if she enters a place (which is a routine attitude in our society), and she used to say it all the time to all, that she feels embarrassed, so all should not be doing so. 

One day I was discussing her this attitude with one of KK's driver and my jaw dropped when I heard his response. His point of view was that, this instruction of Maryam bibi (of not standing in her respect) is not for the women staff members but just for men. According to him Islam forbids a women to lead and direct men, and this is sinful for women to compel men to submit to her. Therefore his interpretation to a simple humble gesture of  Maryam Bibi's is that as she is a religious women so in order to adhere to the Islamic ethos, and avoid committing a sin, she has given such instructions to all staff members. I was amassed with the interpretation. 

Although the driver is subordinate to her and has to obey her most of the times but as he is a "MAN", therefore in order to carter to his superiority syndrome he devised a way to reject the reality and feel superior. He was feeling inferior in front of a woman, if class hierarchy is to be taken into consideration, so he used religion to feel superior in front of a her (he can accept another man instead of a woman boss). For those who do not know the meaning; a syndrome is a group of symptoms that collectively indicate or characterize a disease, psychological disorder, or an abnormal condition. 

Knowing Maryam Bibi I was sure that this interpretation of a simple humble gesture is wrong but still in order to re-verify I discussed with Maryam Bibi and she was also amazed with his analysis. Although I felt annoyed but then I really thought that such "men" need therapy so that they are able to accept reality or maybe they should be left in their "Ahmaqo ki Jannat" (heaven of silly people). And hence communism alone cannot fulfill feminist agenda.  

Stories of Displaced Persons from North Waziristan residing in Bannu July 2014

Misery shedding from eyes

The boy was suffering from fever and was not able to speak properly when I met him. His eyes were full of fear. He is the son of a 26 years old women who is married as a second wife to an around 70 years old.

When the operation was started, he came down to Bannu on foot with his mother and 2 younger sisters, because they did not have money to pay for transportation. It took 2 days to reach Bannu.  Their neighbors accompanied them along with their cattle.

According to his mother her husband is still staying in NWA and she does not know where his other wife is. She does not have her national identity card because women in NWA are not supposed to register themselves as citizens, hence she cannot prove to the authorities that she is an IDP from Waziristan and is eligible for assistance.

The woman was issued a receipt when she was entering Bannu via Saidgai check post. The date and particulars mentioned on the receipt corresponds to the story which she is telling, hence she was not lying. It was also mentioned on the receipt that she does not have her identity documents.

Queuing for three days in stifling season

 

There were more 500 people queuing outside the food distribution point in Bannu (which is a stadium) on July 13 and 14. These are the people who are officially registered with FATA Disaster Management Authority (FATA), and can access all kind of support provided by the government. Which is food items, non food items and cash.

I interviewed people and some of them were in this queue for the last 3 days. They stand here all day, sleep on the same ground in the night and when they are hungry they used to buy things from venders who sell edibles in the carts around them. The temperature was 37-38 degree centigrade and the sun was shining with full spirits. There is no shed to protect the people from the sunlight and they had to use their head covering (Chadars etc) to cover themselves and others in queue. But interestingly there was a medical camp inside the stadium to cure those who gets sun stroke or eyes problem because of heat. 

Leading life in open air

The boy's family used to keep cattle at home for livelihood. When the operation started they came down by foot to Bannu because vehicles were not available to transport their cattle.

The family consists of extended family members of 45 individuals and were never been out of their area. Therefore they do not have friends or families or other contacts in bannu to stay with. But even then they are not staying in camp, partially because they have to take care and provide for their cattle (and in camp they would not be able do it), and partially because they think camp is not culturally appropriate and safe for their women. Therefore they have occupied an  open space in Bannu and have made sheds for them. They are registered IDPs and are getting food items but as they are staying on their own in an open space, they have to sleep either on bare ground or on a cloth on the ground. Nobody is providing tents and mates etc, because government thinks the people in need of shelter would live in tents.

The boy has just came to arrange some medicines for his sick buffalo and is facilitated by a help desk established by agricultural university. People are worried for the fodder for cattle because Bannu district doesn't has the capacity to cater to all the cattle population which accompany the IDPs.

Everything "inside" needs to be coherent inorder to achieve coherance in the outside world

Harmony and coherence within an individual human being contribute to harmony and coherence within the society and in the whole world and each individual needs to understand this fact at personal level. My travel to Afghanistan by road was one of the most memorable journeys of my life. Here I am going to mention an experience of witnessing an incoherence within an individual which; in my view contributes to the incoherence in the society.

This is not me in the cart okay....
Although Jan Mohammad suggested me to hire one 

Jan Mohammad was the driver with whom I was traveling from Torkhum to Kabul; was an interesting person who has lived through the whole taliban regime (while he was in his teens) and has seen all the ups and down and wars and insecurity and is now living in the Karazi regime. Therefore he had a lots of stories which he always want to share.

To my surprise the roads and transport situation from Torkhum to Kabul was much much better than the situation of roads and transport from Peshawar to Torkhum. Jan Mohammad- being an Afghan  was proud of all this development. On the whole way he showed me various projects of townships, olive orchards, airport, dams and bridges etc and was praising this whole development and was thankful to Karzai regime (and USA), who enabled him to run his business and earn a respectable livelihood. He also told me the stories about his childhood during Taliban's regime, when he and his friends would play on land mines where deserted bombs and gun powder were their toys. The children would easily make crackers from those deserted bombs and would play with them.  He was not able to continue his education because of distress, poverty and uncertainty. The only thing he praised during Taliban regime was the speedy justice and quick decisions taken by a Taliban leader according to the leader's own understanding and judgment but he also expressed concern that as there was no proper system therefore sometimes an innocent person would be trapped and given punishment. So there was very little good about the Taliban regime if compared to the current government. Jan Mohammed expressed his distress about the life he spent in poverty and uncertainty. He wished if all this development (which he is witnessing now) had happened a bit earlier; he would have been able to study and would be doing a white color job. Because his younger brother is now studying in the university and is looking forward to have a bright future ahead either in Afghanistan or some other country. I was a bit surprised by the narration of the situation by Jan Mohammad as the general impression about Afghans and especially Pakhtun Afghans is that they are all pro-Taliban and anti-America.

While we were driving, there was a wrecked  bridge in the middle of wide beautiful road. And we had to slowed down and change our way. I asked Jan Mohammad what has happened to this bridge, as the roads are quite good. He informed me that last week Taliban bombed this bridge because some Americans were supposed to cross that bridge. I expressed a bit sadness and asked him whether any American was died or not. He responded with great pleasure, pride and  a bit wickedness that three American were sent to the hell. I was a bit surprised by his attitude and asked whether he is happy on the event. And to my surprise he said why on earth would he not feel happy. He distributed sweets among his friends on this success. I got even more perplexed  and asked explicitly; whether he on Taliban's side???  He said with confidence, "whatever development Americans would bring to us; but these Taliban  are our Muslims brothers. Whatever they would do, we shell support them even at the cost of our lives and prosperity.

I believe that the secret of the peace in this universe is the balance in its each and every building block (starting from the electrons and protons of an atom and the chromosomes of each cell). Any minute lack  of harmony would definitely be translated to an imbalance at a bigger level in the form of conflict, ailments and clashes. So peace within is crucial for bigger peace in the world.

I could not explain to Jan Mohammad, that although he sounds so clear and confident, he is very confused; and his confusion contributes to the incoherence and disturbance in the society, because my time with him was so less and the trust level between us was too little. But I thought in my heart that sometime blind faith in something can really make you blind and you would not be able to see through things. 

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Although I have a great passion for traveling since my childhood and have always made plans to travel all around the world while pasting world map on my room wall but even than I was always doubtful about my plans and have distributed my plans in two categories, considering my resources. 1) realistic plans of traveling i.e. traveling within country and 2) dream plans of traveling i.e. traveling around the world especially via road. I have always pursued hard, my realistic plans and was quite successful in it, but at the same time have fantasized about my dream plans of traveling and have enjoyed dreaming about my dream plans and have enjoyed the dreams.

Having said that; I have never in my life thought that one day I would be able to go to USA and will travel in this big country so extensively within such a short period of time. Thanks to my association with Khwendo Kor which gave me the opportunity to climb up the ladder and travel across the world. Also thanks to the International Visitor Leaders Exchange Programme by the US state department.

Though I had an idea that USA is a big country but to my surprise it turned out to be too much bigger than my imaginations. I knew that within different states of USA there is different culture, language, laws, systems, climate and landscapes etc but to be honest I didn't know that even there is time difference among the different states of USA. This has compelled me to change the image of USA in my mind and consider it a bigger country than I had previously considered it. 

I reached USA after a long journey during which most of the times I was sleeping because I boarded the plane extremely tired. As usual I had to do all my packing just an hour before I had to leave for the airport. The Iranian fellow passengers seated next to me were amazed with my capacity of sleeping; and they shared this with me almost in the end of the journey. To amaze them more I said that I still have the desire to sleep even now, and that was true. I landed in Dulles International Airport and was received warmly by Aggie. I am supposed to visit 5 different states and visit different organizations and people, along with 5 other women from different countries and Aggie is going to accompany us throughout our trip.

Washington DC always sounded to me, a very gorgeous kind of place and no doubt it is. There is a majesticness in its landscape and buildings. The Melrose hotel also carried the same feeling. DC is called the city of monuments and all of them add to the grandeur of the city. We visited most of the monuments in the city and I loved the Vietnam monument, the most which is a "V" shaped Memorial Wall. The walls are sunk into the ground, with the earth behind them. The soldiers' names that were killed in the war are inscribed on the walls. There is heaviness in the atmosphere of the area.

There was a huge hue and cry about the snow storm in Washington DC on March 2, 2014 and all the appointments and meetings were cancelled. In the middle of the night when the storm started, me and my other Pakistani fellow; Madeeha came out on the back door of Melrose hotel and started enjoying the snow, not knowing that the door is one way and one can't go inside the hotel on the same door. We had to take a big round and enter to the hotel via its front door in our night suites, entertaining the people in the lobby. In the morning we went out shopping on the same snow storm day and enjoyed the walk. Aggie was also an industrious women and she took us on a long walk on this very same stormy day. We went to the Potamic river view in the town in the freezing cold.  In the evening one of my Pakistani friends came all the way from Maryland to meet me, as it was the only free time with me. Although that is another story of its own kind.

The meeting/ session with Akram Elias about the U.S. system of government, its decentralized nature and the decision making process was an eye opener. The way he explained the political, cultural and economic context, was excellent.  He explained how the freedoms have given space to the emergence and strengthening of invisible forces which automatically regulate each other, and bring about a balance in the whole system. One of the main forces is the civil society. And hence there is little need to control the market forces and/ or establish censor boards to regulate the economy and/ or society. The main responsibility of the government is to protect the individual from the group. The concept of individualism was getting a bit clearer in my mind. The way he explained individualism is a completely different idea from what we were told and taught about the individualism. For some time I was captured with the idea that this system is perfect and should be implemented all over the world but after some time I recalled my own context and realized that each system is context specific. I wish I could spend some more time with him but all of my other colleagues were tired and were cursing me as I had indulged him in a discussion. Throughout the trip the extracts from his lecture were with me.

The International Women of Courage Award Ceremony was a high level event and the women who were given award were all very very inspiring women. It was no doubt an honor to have attended this ceremony where such inspiring women were given awards and Michelle Obama was the chief guest. In my view the ceremony could have been more interesting event, though.

The private tour of the United States Capitol took us through the history of the building and the United States Congress. The building was glorious and the tour was wonderful.

Sewall‑Belmont House and Museum narrates the history of the women’s movement in America especially the campaign for equal rights and women’s suffrage. The museum carried a history within itself displaying many banners, documents, pieces of furniture, and other artifacts of the women's suffrage and equal rights movement, as well as sculptures and portraits of women involved in the movement in the end of 19 and beginning of 20th century.   The struggle of those women seemed to me like the campaign against hudod aurdanence in Pakistan. It seems as if American women have kept pace with it while we have lost it (maybe).

The city I loved in USA the most was Saettle in Washington State, because I like scenic places and Saettle is one of such city in USA. The flight from Washington DC to Washington State is 5 hours and there is a time difference as well. I was not expecting but when I was heading from airport toward hotel I was in "wow" state of mind. My room was on 18th floor of the hotel and still there was view of sky high buildings from my room window, which was amazing.

The morning walk with Madeeha on the seaside was wonderful. The air was fish, scenery was green and the area was neat and clean. Latter on we had a plan to go to Bremerton island via cruse. Zarghona- another fellow from Afghanistan; askd me to take her along, because she is not used-to go out alone in strange places and otherwise she would stay at hotel. Among all the fellows she was only frank with me because we both shared the same language and culture i.e. we both are Pakhtuns; though belonging to different countries. I agreed to take her but on the condition that she will come back to hotel alone independently. We three went to Brimenton in the cruse which was a great enjoyment. Brimenton seemed to me a "no man's place". There were houses, parks, markets, roads, rivers and even vehicles etc but one would rarely see human being. Zarghona has very beautiful hair but she would cover them all the time hence we forced her to open her hair and click some pictures; because there was no one to look at her. We all enjoyed alot and came back to Saettle. On the way back to the hotel, I left alone Zarghona in a shop while she wanted sketcher to draw a sketch of her name.  I requested the sketcher to make her stay for long, so that she may not be able to follow us and come independently. I came back to my room and started waiting for Zarghona  and was bit worried in my heart. Thank god she reached back her hotel room and called me and cursed me in pashtu.

Olympia- the capital of Washington seems to be a smaller and calmer city than Seattle. Mr. Evan was our host in the capital city who was one of the cutest guys we met during out visit; but as we were prestigious visitors representing our countries therefore we were supposed to act decently. And so we did act decently.  After all the different meeting Kicking Up Our Heels” Reception was an inspiring event organized by The Center for Women and Democracy (CWD) who support and appreciate women leaders in all walks of life without considering their political and social affiliations. We were also called on the stage as women leaders to show solidarity with the women all over the world. It is always wonderful to know how united these women and are not considering their affiliation and backgrounds. Just being women have made them united.

The speed dating- oh sorry the speed mentorship event was a cute experience, where many professional women were gathered and were introducing themselves to each other within 3 minutes. I will definitely exercise it here in my work. Leadership Workshop with Collective Changes facilitated by Gail and Dee was a women-exclusive programme which stirred enthusiasm in us.

The visit to Saettle girls’ school was also an interesting occasion. The school was "just for girls" school with the ideology that studying in "just girls schools" infuse a great level of confidence in girls. We; the visitors from another world were taken to a 6th grade where the girls were exposed to the realities of our world via having a small discussion with us, and then they were supposed to present what they have learnt from us; whatever they learnt. To be honest I was a bit disappointed by the response of girls as they seemed least interested in us. Maybe we were too boring to inspire the girls or maybe they had something else interesting coming up next. But I was thinking that girls in a Pakistani school would take too much interest in such an event.

Shopping and eating was also great in Seattle, but as I have turned a complete vegetarian so I always have to face difficulty in finding right place; and people with me are also at unease. My Afghani fellows would always want to eat in Mecdonelds while I am an anti Mecdonoled. But that is good that french fries are always available and I would eat it; if nothing else is available. Pike Place Market is a nice place to browse in, but due to globalization now everything is available everywhere and there are very little things left which could amaze one in a new place and turn one on. 

The home hospitality lunch at the Ms. Alida Latham place followed by the discussion with the Worldly women; who work on social issues was interesting. One important question which was discussed at length was that whether people welcome the foreign interventions in their communities (especially the developing world) even if they are for their betterment. The conclusion we drew was that intervention is important for bringing about change but the process needs to be looked at and chalked out carefully. And if there is a resistance than it is better not to intervene at all because such resistance damages the whole cause.

Aggie used to get annoyed when somebody is late especially when we are leaving for airport or train station. Excited for a train trip to Portland-Oregon, I packed my things earlier and lied down on bed but went to sleep. And my capacity to sleep is such that I was late and Aggie has to get annoyed.

We had to travel by train to Portland, and I was so excited to have this experience. It was a cozy train having not too much passengers. There was a good canteen in one of the coach and I and Madeeha ate some good food. I had my vagi burger and Maddi had some fish. We sat on that eating coach for quite some time and discussed each other lives and laugh out loud without considering passengers coming and going. It was fun there.

Unlike Seattle, Portland was not a city of big building; it was calmer and casual. As we did not have complementary breakfast in Benson Hotel hence we have to go out and explore new places for breakfast. Starbuks turned out to be the best place for breakfast. There were lots of homeless persons on the streets of Portland who would always ask for atleast a cigarette. Whole food Market is also the best place to eat in.  

There are good souvenirs available in a shop in the building of World Affairs council. Miniature metallic horse carts and trains and wood stamps of old time. But to my surprise; all of them were "made in China".  China even makes city specific souvenirs for other countries and stamp "made in China" on it; this sounds irony to me.

The enthusiasm of Leanne was great in the meeing. She is the president of VoteERA.org which works for the equal rights amendments in America. I loved the level of her energy about her cause. Although it had nothing to do with me or my part of the world but I really applauded her efforts and her passion. Although aggie was of the opinion that there are more pressing issues to be addressed, but I like the idea. Maybe I am also kind of crazy like Leanne. She gave us her campaign T-shirts saying “vote Equal Rights Amendment for women”. I contributed in her campaign via wearing that shirt in the evenings and roaming around in markets. Some people pointed towards me and some passed mixed remarks.   

Dr. Melody Rose the Interim Chancellor of the Oregon University System inspired me. In her circle she used to be the only woman and she explained how she has to deal with all the men politics. One thing she said and which struck me was that women in any organization have a very little tendency to understand and control finances. Most of the times women lead the programme and are in its soul but don't indulge in financial matter. And this indulgence is crucial to success. I can really relate to this conclusion in my part of the world, and which is a very interesting phenomena.

World pulse run by young women (and one young man member) is a global media and communication network devoted to bringing women a global voice by publishing their stories in major media outlets and influential forums. The team was dynamic and enthusiastic.

We were invited to home hospitality in different places, but the hospitality by Esther Freeman was really the homelike and intimate one. The reason is that she was accompanied by fellows from India. And hence we started speaking in Urdu or maybe Hindi with fellow Indians. They are the same kind of languages but we call it Urdu in Pakistan and Indians call it Hindi in India; and this situation is called a dilemma. Coming back to the hosts; Anandhi, though Indian was a great fan of Imran Khan, not as a politician but as a cricketer hero and star. And as I don't like Imran Khan because of his rightist stance, so I and Anandhi had a good deal of discussion. That was very interesting. Ester was formal in the beginning but after a bit of discussion she shared that her daughter has extreme views about sexual identities and does not hide her very much pro LGBTI ideas. Esther did not invite her for this dinner because she thought we would not be welcoming to the idea of a person having such ideas. I think she was right in her perception about Pakistanis and Afghans. But I think I altered those perceptions a little bit.

Minh Ha from the bus project has rebellious ideas and Agiee did like them but I winked at her saying that she is not alone. She should keep it up.

The “community service activity” was interesting partially because Susan- the incharge of the community service, is an interesting personality and partially because one of our fellow Zarghona could not understand the activity because of her weak understanding of English language. St. Francis Dining Hall was interesting but not a very neat and clean place. It was messy with lots of homeless people with their belongings all around. We sat on one of the table with Susan who was interested in linguistics like my father, and we introduced ourselves. While we were talking; Zarghona left the table and walked out saying she is going to bring her cell phone. We thought she did not like the environment, and the idea that she will be feeding these homeless "dirty" people (although I was not convinced by this fact). While we all were chatting; Aggie went out after her and brought her back. Upon asking, she responded that she thought we were here to have our lunch and as she was not hungry, that is why she went out. That was the funniest thing ever happened. The event started and Susan asked me to say a prayer or thank God, on behalf of the group; I have not prayed to God since ages so I just said that as we all are humans and we are influencing this world in good or bad manner so we should always be conscious whatever we do. We served the people in the hall and enjoyed the cleaning in the end. The most beautiful was the Susan's tight hug in the end.

Powell’s City of Books is the largest independent bookstore in the United States, I was almost lost in the book store. It is such a big store that one should have a map of the store to find places in the store. I bought some books which are usually not available in Pakistan. I would call those books as pro-science, while some people call them "bad" books. But I was also conscious about the weight of my bag.

Another hectic air travel to Louisville, Kentucky is yet to be carried out. I am calling it hectic because we had connecting flights, which I really don't like. We had to depart on Delta Airlines to Minneapolis, Minnesota and then ultimately to Louisville, Kentucky. While traveling from the airport to Hotel our Nepali fellow informed us that tomorrow was the Holi in Nepal. Hence we planned to go to a Mandar or a hundu community centre, tomorrow (before or after visiting Mohammad Ali Centre) if Aggie could arranged. And I was sure that she would be able to arrange it because she was resourceful to a greater extent. We reached around 11 pm to Springhill Suites in Louisville- the city of Mohammad Ali Clay and slept as and when we reached.

Mohammad Ali centre was huge beyond my imagination. Though I was not so much of his fan because of his multiple marriages and having some extreme religious views but I believe that he is a legend. His "Taking stand on issues even though standing alone" attitude is a rare attribute. One whole day was so less to go through all the stuff in the Mohammad Ali centre. There were quotes, animations, movies, documentaries, museum of his personal things and what not in the centre. I did not know he has so much to tell to people about himself. The centre itself is a piece of art. The beautiful thing among all is the Rudyard Kiplin poem in documentary. This reminded me of my secondary school, as it was in our course book. That is;  

If you can keep your head when all about you   

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

Or walk with Kings—not lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

I had learnt this poem by heart in my secondary school and had forgotten. I am glad I revised it;   

Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) is another attraction for all the fellows to visit. But before going there we visited Mandar to celebrate Holi, but unluckily it was over when we reached there. KFC was a good experience; thanks to potatoes- (fried or mashed) always and everywhere available for all vegetarians.

The evening in Hillbilly Tea to celebrate Kentucky's African American heritage was a great evening. Kentucky writers, musicians, and Eastern Kentuckians shared their work and personal stories in celebration of the unique beauty, ecological importance, and cultural heritage. Hillbilly tea is a nice cozy restaurant where so many people had gathered to celebrate this evening that we had to carry some chairs for us upstairs to the place where the celebrations was going on. I loved the drinks in bottle kind of containers. I had my Hillbilly Tea in it along with some sautéed spinach while listening to the music and stories. I gave my seat to someone else in the end and sat on the floor so to enjoy all the happening in its full spirit and to click some good photos. Most of the times happiness is all about feeling the sentiments of other beings or even just learning about others.

The Emerge Kentucky and Louisville Women’s Political Caucus reminded me of Kicking Up Our Heels” reception by The Center for Women and Democracy (CWD) in Olympi. Emerge Kentucky is a political leadership training program for Democratic women in the state of Kentucky while Louisville Women’s Political Caucus works to increase women’s participation in the political process and to identify, recruit, train and support feminist women for election and appointment to public office. The lunch at the residence of Bobbi Jo was very interesting. Not only because the women who were gathered were inspiring but the tomato soup, was also out of this world. Bobbi Jo promised to email us the recipe. I wish we could also have an "Emerge Khyber Pakhtunkhwa" and "Peshawar women political caucus" in its true essence and I also wish I could cook such tasty tomato soup.  We also met with young republicans in Kentucky.

Meeting in Kentucky Sister Visitor Center was an eye opener. The situation of human trafficking and especially girls and the plight of refugees were not very pleasant. Sister Visitor Center takes up the issues of refugees and trafficked persons, and they are doing wonderful job. Thank god I did not see any Pakistani refugee there; otherwise I would have felt depressed. Manju saw a Nepali couple who were not very happy with the situation, because most of the times people from the developing countries come to US with lots of expectations, which is not the reality.

Gretchen Hunt, Candidate for Kentucky State Legislature was a bright person with a vision. She has a legal background work specifically on issues related to sexual assault. She suggested me to take part in politics when I am back home. To be honest she inspired me. We also visited the Courier-Journal office largest paper in the Louisville. I could not swallow the idea of a newspaper extremely being A-political. Courier-Journal used to present the news, "as it is"; without any specific perspective. This might be a scenario in USA but is not the case in our countries.

I loved the gathering organized by the world affairs in Kantaky. This is human nature that when people listen to you and adore and admire you; you are happy. A wonderful discussion took place among the participants regarding power play in gender relations; my favorite topic. I really felt good to know that the Pakistani communities are quite respected here. The Saffron’s Restaurant where this event took place was Iranian style and I ordered Fesenjan- a famous Iranian dish consists of rice and pomegranate and walnut stew; but to be honest I didn't like it much. While coming out of restaurant I was told by a group of senior persons that they enjoyed my talk and learned from it. I don't know they were honestly speaking or were just too much courteous; but they made my day.  

Finally heading to New York. I was so excited to see New York as everybody has kept on telling me that it is the most amazing city in the world. The air travel was boring as usual but the plane was small and casual. I left my window seat for Zarghona as she was interested in clicking the pictures. She became busy with her pictures and I became busy with my sleep.

We reached Hampton Inn in Manhattan around 2 pm. The city of so many people, so many buildings and so many vehicles.  Everything and everyone was everywhere and was in too much quantity, so much so that suddenly I felt saturated.

Though it was not my plan for today but I called my friend Sameena that I am here and can meet. Interestingly she said her husband is in Manhattan and can pick me. Tawheed came to pick me and we went to Valley Stream where they live. It was a peaceful place. But it is another story that there was no peace inside Sameena's home because of her 3 kids Gul Makay, Awais and the cute new comer Zalan. Sameena and her husband would talk in pure Pashtu while their kids would just talk in pure American English, even if they all are interacting with each other. I ate lobya (Kidny beans)- my favorite food ever and was dropped off by Sameena and her husband to the station for coming back to my hotel. I reached Manhattan very late and it was heavily raining but Manhattan has such planned construction and has a simple grid kind of map that I decided to walked back to  Hampton Inn from penn station. It was an interesting walk in the streets of an unfamiliar city, around 12 am with my pathetic sense of direction, while it was raining cats and dogs and I had no umbrella (It reminded me of the song Ajnaby shehar k ajnaby rastay……..)  But ultimately I reached.

The meetings in UN offices i.e. UN women and UNHCR were quite informative. Although I was more interested in UN Women but the meeting in UNHCR captivated me more. The reason was the passion exhibited by John Solecki UNHCR-Senior Policy Advisor. Of all the people who work for some “cause”; I found John Solecki, very much interested in his work or I might have watched the movie "Beyond Borders" just recently. I was not only impressed by his concern about refugees situation all around the world but also loved the analysis he was doing. He mentioned that the cricket team of Afghanistan is developed in the streets of Pakistan and this is the positive aspect of a community becoming refugee. In any kind of development or social work the analysis is very important. I think one should always reflect back and see which action has impacted, which segment of the society and in what manner. A positive action might have a negative impact while a negative action might have a positive impact. But again this positives and negatives are always very subjective.

Financial Women’s Association (FWA) of New York again reminded me of Emerge Kentucky and Louisville Women’s Political Caucus. And to be honest, now I am feeling jealous. Why can't we have such unity among the women around me? FWA accelerate the success and leadership of women in the financial community across all industries by advancing careers, fostering alliances and preparing the current and next generation of professionals in New York.

Meeting at Equality Now was the final item of the show. Though Kristen Berg could not explained appropriately why it is so difficult to get results quickly in an advocacy work especially regarding women rights issues in countries like Pakistan, but as I know the context and the work so I could understand.

I also went to Atlantic city in new Jersey with Manju, Madeeha and Mustafa and went to casinos. Although these casinos were much more advanced and luxurious then the ones I saw in Nepal but I guess they were more crowded and were full of energy than these in USA. Most of the activity was going on with machines and the human beings were interacting very little while the casinos in Nepal had more of energetic human element. But there is no doubt that the experience of going to the Atlantic City was an experience of its own kind.

To my surprise the people of USA (or those with whom I interacted in USA) are more inward looking than outward looking. I don't consider it a good or bad quality but it is unlike us. Maybe it is because of our circumstances, which have compelled us to get involved in international politics. A regular educated and well learned American (even if they are local politicians) would bother less about Africa, UK, China, Russia, Afghanistan, Iraq or Middle East etc. They would be thinking more about their own street's garbage disposal, their county's budget, local events happening, the laws recently enacted and football or at most the voters' rights and responsibilities and equal rights' amendment in the USA constitution and campaigning about it and climate change. But interestingly if a farmer in a field in Pakistan is asked about the condition of his harvest this year, his response would include reference to some international political event whether it is linked to China, India, USA, Afghanistan or the USA existence in Afghanistan; his impression can be positive or negative.

I have also noticed this attitude in myself. Other fellows in my group were from Afghanistan and Nepal. Being a Pashtun, I have my own opinions about the state of affairs in Afghanistan and hence would jump into any discussion about Afghanistan during our meetings. As I was not only sharing the borders but was also sharing culture and language. Our Nepali Fellow that is Manju was speaking so good Urdu/ Hindi; that we Pakistanis got very much comfortable with her. But while reflecting back I have realized that these fellows form other countries have lesser interest about Pakistan and have little opinions about the state of affair in Pakistan. Or maybe unlike me they were mature enough to limit their discussion to their own countries and do not bother themselves in international politics.

The journy of coming back was again a long boring air travel but I watched lots of movies. While transiting at Doha airport I met with a friend from Nepal which was a pleasant surprise. The flight from Doha to Peshawar was an experience because it seems as if I just switched swimming in a sea to swimming in a stream. There were some disturbance happenings around me for example, a women was arguing with the air hostess that she would not sit with a male passenger, the man sitting next to me was uncomfortably avoiding me, and the flight with 95 % of male passengers. I had to volunteer to end up argument between the air hostess and woman passenger and to make my fellow male passenger at ease.

Ultimately reaching back home and eating parata and sag; home sweet home.

I am white

"White" is a color which contain all the different colors in itself, but nobody knew about it until it is passed through the prism, just like human beings are passed through an experience. "White" would never have discovered that it contains so many other colors in itself if there was no prism, just like human being would never have been able to discover their hidden capabilities and characteristics if there had no experiences. Different prisms spilt the white color in different ways, some spilt it very beautifully while other in a very shabby manner, but it always looks nice when it is spilt. Sometime the colors which originate from white are entirely different from white and one would rarely expect that a colorless color like white could be spilt into such a colorful colors like red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet.

I am an ordinary human being just like the color "white". 

Human Beings or Artificial Beings

Women in development sector propagate that Patriarchy is the manifestation of men's dominance over women in the family and in the whole society, and men are upholding this dominance since ages. This theory is reinforced again and again that women are sufferers of patriarchal structure because most of the powers in this system is given to men. But this is rarely questioned that "Is man happy with this concentration of power? and if yes then why and how the women struggle to put a dent in the patriarchal structure would be successful? because it is not possible for the powerless half to grab the power from the powerful half, if the powerful half has no incentive to share this power. Why would a rich person share his/ her wealth with the poor without any incentive? Although there are some men who are women rights activists but some people think they are exceptions or are not rational.

But if we looks closely to the world system we would discover that there is no powerful and powerless beings. We are living in a world, where human beings are becoming a mere product of the system and not human beings in original. Man or woman use to perform in a given framework. They do not question or challenge, and perform whatever the system dictates.  The system is regulated by different tools and means, e.g. culture, economic and social systems (capitalism or communism) religious norms, cast system etc. Everyone has taken strong positions in response to the conditions given to hem/ her and have even forgotten which things really make them happy or sad. They just respond according to the popular norms.

This patriarchy needs some dents, so that these products of system could really become human beings. But in order to put a dent, it is important to first realize its costs not only to women but also to men i.e. the powerful half. Because the realization only by the powerless half is not sufficient and it is already a lost battle. While in order to understand the costs of patriarchy to the powerful half they need to realize how masculinities are constructed in them. This needs to be really researched and publicized that sometimes the concentration of power is also very destructive.

Being a man is always a question of self esteem for men because one has to always perform if he is to be a man. Perform in career and earn money, perform in social circle and make an manly image, perform during sex,  and showoff the  strength, be financially independent and exhibit the wealth and so on and so forth. Everyone has to perform in this manner so that they are given the power of becoming the members of the society. If a men who doesn't find himself a "regular man" as defined by the system; he always has to carry the stigma of the feeling of "less than a man", "defective", "lacking" and not measuring up with the society. These boys or men even don't dare to enter into anything competitive. So the system even sucks, the powerful half of the society as well.

But all these norms are very carefully constructed and upheld since ages. If a man don't earn he is called parasite (while a women is not stigmatized if she doesn't earn) if he wear colorful clothes he is termed as unmanly, if he weeps, he is week, if he is not heterosexual he is sick, if he likes to be at home and like to do the household work, he is the joro ka ghulam (wife's slave).....if he is not aggressive, he is weak, if he weep sometime he is bayghairat (shameful), if he, if he, if he, and the list goes on and on. They are called names by all the people their relatives, friends and peers, etc. People would even give advices to the parents of a male not to bring up their male child with too much of love and affection  otherwise he will become a girl, as if boys need hate and violence to be brought up with. and all these messages (be brave, be strong, not to be emotional, be smart, do sports and outdoor activity, be harsh, not express love etc) are given to the male child since his very childhood very informally by both the segments of society; i.e. the powerful half and the powerless half. The friends, parents, relatives, peers, media, curriculum, teachers and corporations (whose products we consume) gives all these messages all the time, sometimes deliberately and sometimes not deliberately. And this is how masculinities are being constructed in men. And when one starts responding to these messages by confirming to the popular norms, he/ she starts killing his/her inner self. Hence it is a very artificial state of being. It is acting in real life. It is conditioning. The more masculine one is the more unreal he is.

So it's the outside circumstances which determine whether one is a boy or girl, and it not an inside thing. But it's so imposed and it's with so intricacy being worked out and propagated that we have completely internalized it and although it's not natural but we consider it natural.  And now maybe we are carrying centuries of conditioning in our DNA, and this conditioning has now even entered into our genes and affected our evolutionary process.

But conditioning doesn't work on some people and that is the reason that we have some people who have challenged the system. Such men suffer a lot in the initial stage of their lives, because they think they are failures, lacking something and are defective. Sometimes they also desire to die because they think that outside world is hostile to them and they don't want to live in this hostile world. They live with the feeling that they can't live to the expectations of their parents and loved ones but when their understanding of themselves and the world develop; then they are always at peace.

So this system is not supportive to any sex, but it defines some unnatural, norms through which one can gain power. But in order to confirm to those norms one has to kill his/her inner self and just become a "product" of system having no say of oneself. And once he/ she becomes the "product"; he/she start supporting the system by propagating the norms.  And whoever deviates from the system are compelled by the "products" to act in a manner in order to fit in the system. And the irony is that sometimes one even doesn't know that he or she has became the "product". In this whole process we forget that systems are developed for the purpose to support human beings and human beings should not be "developed" for the purpose to support a system.